Kirigaya ‘Kirito’ Kazuto Aka The Black Swordsman, Aka the Twin Blade Swordsman, Aka Pussy-Magnet General
Disclaimer: most of the verbal diarrhea below is entirely based on watching the first Sword Art Online anime, I couldn’t bring myself to watch Sword Art Online II. I could use this as a space to ramble on about how the pacing of SAO was god awful and its depiction of female characters infuriating… Regrettably, I shall try to keep my vitriol to a minimum.
It’s the year 2022 and virtual reality is no longer shit. A 14 year old school boy named Kirito spends copious amounts of time playing MMO games using a VR system called the ‘Nerve Gear.’ This becomes more than just a ‘pastime’ however, when Kirito and 10,000 other players are trapped inside the game Sword Art Online by evil game designer Peter Moly… Kayaba Akihiko. It’s a death game (definitely not overdone in Japan). Players cannot log out, and If you die in the game, your brain in reduced to mushy peas in real life. To escape, players must defeat the bosses on each floor of the floating castle Aincrad. I bet you can’t guess who become video game Moses!?
Kirito is presented as the most skilled player of the game. The game being Sword Art Online, although I imagine he’s Stu enough to bed Neil Strauss too.
In episode 2, Beater, Kirito joins up with fellow Beta-Tester Diabel and his party who attempt to clear the first floor of Aincrad. The Floor Boss, Illfang is reduced to low health. Diabel gets cocky and attempts to finish off Illfang. Kirito attempts to stop him, but Illfang unleashes his finishing attack reducing Diabel to flesh porridge. As he lays dying, Diabel begs Kirito to save everybody with his kewlest sword skillz… AND HE DOES! Time and time again…
Kirito shows that he has inside knowledge of the game, more than the other 1000 Beta-Testers. This I found a bit odd, as you would have expected Diabel to have at least cleared the first blummin’ floor during the Beta!
Kirito’s encyclopedic knowledge of the game crops up time and time again.
In episode 6, Illusionary Avenger, Kirito and Asuna investigate the murder of Kains and Yolko. The plebs believe the murderer to have been the ghost of Griselda, the former leader of Golden Apple, SAO’s most delicious Guild. Kirito however, not being a superstitious halfwit, deduces that Kains and Yolko faked their own deaths by using teleport crystals when their armour lost durability and broke, making them appear ‘dead’ in-game.
As well as being proficient with sharp things and not a moron, Kirito is also a special snowflake.
In episode 9, The Blue-Eyed Demon, Corbatz and his Aincrad Liberation Force attempt to clear the 74th floor, but are a bit rubbish. Kirito covers for the others by using his UNIQUE dual blades skill to slay the boss with a 16 hit combo. Most of the other players can barely swing one sword, so to be able to hold a sword in each hand proves that Kirito can use his hands, both of them! Kirito’s Bi-Swordality (new word) becomes the talk of Aincrad. This makes smarmy pricks want to duel him, and conscript him into hardcore-sounding guilds, like ‘The Knights of the Blood Oath.’
Kirito, a boy with two hands
Kirito Stu gets all the best gear, unique skills and he picks up lasses like they’re Pokemon!
In episode 3. The Red-Nosed Reindeer, we are introduced to the short-lived Sachi, a lass who feels that she can open up to Kirito, to confide in him that she is afraid to die. Death apparently being an unusual thing to fear, in a death game designed by a psychopath, full of scary VR skeleton warriors and such… Whether Sachi finds comfort in confiding in a boy with all the emotional complexity of a Canada Goose, who knows, all we know is she probably digs his ‘sexy’ anime Hot Topic aesthetic.
Episode 4, The Black Swordsman, introduces us to Silica, a famous ‘rare beast tamer.’ Silica already attracts male attention, and is plagued by many a marriage proposal which she feels compelled to decline because she’s 13, and probably more inclined towards Polly Pocket than virtual sausage. When Kirito helps her revive her beloved chibi dragon Pina, she falls for him romantically, because he’s special and not leery like the paedos! Silica is somewhat heartbroken when she realises that they cannot be together as there is too great a disparity between their levels. Kirito is basically too OP for this particular romance.
Oh, and who could forget Lisbeth, the famous blacksmith introduced in Episode 7, Warmth of Heart. Lisbeth journeys with Kirito to the 55th floor to collect a rare material from a crystal-eating dragon. She is advised by Kirito to stay out of the way while he turns the dragon into sashimi. Being a woman and all, with all dem raging emotions and hormones, she emerges from hiding halfway through the battle, forcing Kirito to save her life. She naturally falls in love with Kirito and his phallus waving talents. She offers to be Kirito’s exclusive phallus blacksmith and is about to declare her undying love for him, until Asuna rolls in and offers to be our Stu’s exclusive tsundere.
All the single ladies, all the single ladies, put your phallus up! Oh, and Klein.
Kirito’s greatest feat as a Stu is probably his subjugation of Asuna’s character.
Asuna starts off life in SAO as an emotionally independent, skilful player of the game. She is renowned for her extraordinary fast sword skill ‘Lightning Flash,’ and climbs the ranks of Knights of the Blood Oath to become a sub-leader. Indeed she is considered to be highly attractive to other players in the game. So when Kirito equips her as his online waifu, he is bolstering his hegemony further as the game’s greatest player.
Asuna looses her image as a badass and leans on Kirito for any semblance of emotional stability. She squanders points on maxing out her cooking prowess to make hubby delicious nom noms. Most disturbingly, she assumes the role of Princess Peach when she is captured by Nobuyuki Sugo, a camptastic villain with the stage name Fairy King Oberon. Asuna sits in a cage all day feeling sorry for herself, waiting to be rescued by Stuper Marito (okay, that was awful).
Although I won’t go much into detail, it’s worth a mention that Kirito is so Stu, and hence so attractive to others, even his own adoptive sister Suguha (who is actually his cousin), is utterly enamoured with him.
Kirito seems to tick all the boxes for wish-fulfilment. He’s a 14 year old boy who plays MMO games for hours. Usually, those skills wouldn’t have many useful applications in the real world, but SAO provides the ideal scape in which Kirito can become a figure of legend. Here, Kirito can actually affect and save real lives with virtual sword skills. He woos the few female players of SAO, even getting a hot wife, simply by being a good Otaku!
Oh, and while I’ve not seen it, I’ve heard that in SAO II, Kirito is awarded an attractive female-esque avatar in Gun Gale Online. Which probably goes to serve some sort of gender-bending-wish-fulfilment trope or other.
100% Certified Stu?
I have seen it argued that the reason why Kirito is so OP is because he was a Beta-Tester for SAO. However, the only advantage afforded to Beta-Testers in SAO is extra information regarding, quests, bosses, locations etc. It’s not as if they were awarded better gear or carried over any stats accrued from the Beta. Likewise, if there were supposed to be 700-800 other Betas in SAO, why does Kirito seem a world apart from the others?
Also, I don’t buy the suggestion that Kirito isn’t a Stu because Heathcliffe defeated him in a duel. Particularly considering the fact that Heathcliffe turned out to be Kabaya and turned himself into an immortal object.
Compared to Inaho, it’s actually quite challenging to suss out explanations as to how Kirito doesn’t fit the Stu archetype.
Naturally, most of SAO takes place in a virtual reality scape, however following the final episode of the Aincrad Arc (Episode 14, The End of the World), we are shown more ‘real world’ scenes which explore a bit of Kirito’s back story.
Akin to Inaho, Kirito is an orphan. He is adopted by his aunt and uncle when he was one year of age. He spends a decade believing that they are his biological parents, until he discovers that they LIE! Getting emo, Kirito withdraws into gaming, as Inaho withdraws into autism and eggs.
Video Games, they don’t lie to me
Whilst this doesn’t actually change how OP and Stu Kirito is in a virtual space, it shows how potentially vulnerable Kirito is in the real world. Unlike Inaho, who cannot relate to others or express himself because of a neurodevelopmental ‘disorder,’ Kirito chooses to deny himself grief.
Likewise is proficiency in the use of phallic objects doesn’t translate well in the real world. He was trained by his grandfather in kendo but is actually a bit pants at it. His sister-cousin-pokemon, Suguha, is shown to be the superior kendoster… kendoist… kendoer!?
Despite this, Kirito is still Stuier than Inaho. It’s not as if his relationship with Asuna ceased to be after SAO and ALO. Indeed, his relationships and fame carried over to the real world.
Posted by HCrabby